Title: Whispers in the Dark (6/7) PG-13
Author: Darshann (Kiss)
Spoilers: RPS, Surrender
Setting: post-RPS, pre-Surrender
Disclaimer: Women in love, who knew? Kim, Kerry, et al... not mine, but I WUV them.
As I enter, the house feels empty. Desolate. My door closes behind me and I lean against it as if for support. That's when the tears start. The ones I've been holding back since I had left her place. What am I doing? Who is this person I'm becoming? Oh God, I don't want to be gay.
I stare up into the darkness. My mind spiders back to the hot tub, recalling the sensations as she'd touched me. I feel my body give way under the intense memory. NO. No, no, no! Stop thinking about her! A sob escapes my lips. But I already miss her... Unbidden, the look on her face, as I'd scrambled from the tub, looms like a specter in my mind. She'd been so shocked, so appalled... She must be disgusted with me. Running like that. I'm such a fucking coward.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
Hadn't I? Hadn't we? If it isn't wrong then why does practically the whole world frown upon that kind of behavior? Thank God my parents are dead, this would've killed them.
They were so happy when I'd married Stephen. They never even suspected how unhappy I was with him. After we'd divorced, my mother never stopped asking after him. She told me once that it didn't matter, the divorce, in God's eyes he would always be my husband... I shudder at the thought. Well, he wasn't a bad man... just ... just... sigh. Just wrong. And it all makes sense now... how could I have been so blind?
My head is throbbing and I rub at it with my free hand, which doesn't help. Tylenol... I amble down the hallway into my darkened house, not bothering to switch on any lights. I used to play this game when I was a child, trying to make my way in the dark, pretending I was blind, using my other senses. Now, it's almost second nature. I know every inch of my home. I could find anything blind-folded... but what is the point of that, exactly? Another challenge? Another thing to surmount and conquer? <You're being too hard on yourself, Kerry.> Kim's voice in my head starts the tears again. Dammit.
In the bathroom, I reach for the pills and struggle with the child-proof cap for a moment before finally retrieving the little capsules of relief. I wash two down with some water and sag against the sink. Breathe, just breathe. Haunted eyes stare back at me from the mirror. God, you look awful. How could she possibly want *that*?
But she does.
A thrill runs through me at the thought. The same thrill that began that first night at dinner when Kim had touched my hand. It hadn't been the first time I'd felt that thrill... only I'd become so used to stuffing it deep down, I'd almost missed it. Until she'd shared her interest in me... that moment... That moment had been so overwhelming and wonderful at the same time. I still can't believe how lucky I am... Was... Shit. I've blown it now. Oh, hell, why did I run like that?
The feel of her practically nude and wet body against me is intoxicating. Shivers spread over every inch of my flesh. Her lips are blazing hot wet trails across my skin and I want her closer, so much closer. I squeeze my legs around her, feeling her pelvis moving against my own. Her mouth travels down to my shoulders and the soft kisses turn to sharp nips. Ooooooooo Goooooood. I arch my head back involuntarily and my eyes open to the blue sky. What... what is happening to me?
A plane flies overhead, interrupting the intimacy and I'm suddenly self-conscious again, a tiny panic growing inside my belly. What am I doing? What if people see us? I turn my face to the side to survey the fencing around Kim's yard.. and then that's when I feel it... the cool air on my exposed breasts. I gasp in surprise and then I see a flicker against the fence as if someone is there watching... her mouth covers me and it feels so good... but their watching... the whole world is watching.. laughing at me... Stop. I can't do this. Help! I've got to hide... got to get away before people see... I'm not gay... no!...
I'm such an idiot. No one was watching us... You just got scared... freaked out... Shit! I wanted her... I really, really wanted her. Yeah... and you still do. I can feel that I'm still wet and swollen between my legs, my underwear is sticking to me. Can't I just take what happened back and start over?
I limp into the living room and plop down onto the couch, curling into the back cushions. It's still light outside and I can hear birds twittering in the nearby trees. I wonder what Kim is doing right now. Probably thanking God that she got out of that so easy...
The phone rings in the other room. Probably work. I'm not here. They can page me if it's urgent. I don't move from my spot and listen as the machine clicks on after the requisite four rings. My voice blares into the semi-darkness, sounding so incredibly professional and unfeeling I hardly recognize it. Then the machine beeps and I wait for the caller to speak.
Silence. Maybe they hung up..
I sit straight up at the sound of her voice. What the hell?
"Kerry, its Kim... if you're there, please pick up..."
No way... no way in hell. After what I did? I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look her in the eye again, let alone talk.
I hear her sigh into the phone after a long pause. "I know you're there, Kerry." She pauses again. "Well, I hope you're listening. Kerry? Please don't be embarrassed about... It was a perfectly normal reaction... I never should have come on so strong... It wasn't fair..." She sighs again. "I usually have more control than that... you just looked so... so good." She giggles morosely and I smile in spite of myself. "I'm so sorry. Please don't think I'm upset with you. I understand. I just ... I hope we can try again? I mean... a date? Maybe we shouldn't do the hot tub next time... I don't think I can stand you so close with so little on... and not... I'm sorry, Kerry... please don't shut me out. Shit! I really... I can't believe I'm saying this to your answering machine... but...Kerry? I really like you.. a lot. That hasn't changed." She sighs again. "Please call me later when you're ready... Bye." There's the sound of Kim hanging up and then a click as the machine shuts off.
The house is quiet and desolate again. God she's wonderful. I pull myself off the couch and find my way into the next room to the blinking light of the answering machine. I replay Kim's message. Then I replay it again... and again. I can't help but laugh the third time her stifled giggle fills my darkened house. She wants to try again... she understands? I don't even understand... how can she? Well, she is a psychiatrist ... and I guess she *has* been out for a rather long time. I punch the play button for the forth time and wait for her voice to descend upon me one more time. She sounds so worried for me... imagine... I abandoned her in mid-seduction and she's worried about *me*. The last of the message curls through the air and caresses my ears... She likes me... a lot. My tummy flutters at this confession. And I have it on tape for all eternity.... Jesus, Kerry, run from this now and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
"... I really... I can't believe I'm saying this to your answering machine... but...Kerry? I really like you.. a lot. That hasn't changed." Tears threaten to spill from my eyes and I sigh again. "Please call me later when you're ready... Bye."
I return the phone to its cradle and press my hand to my forehead. Well, its up to her now. I hope she calls soon... I'll be awake all night if she doesn't. A familiar panic wells up inside me. Oh God, I hope that was the right thing to do... shit... what if that scares her more? Oh God, maybe I should call back and ... and what... can't erase it, it's on her machine.. calling again only makes me seem desperate. Which I am. Dammit, I wasn't going to get this attached and here I am an absolute MESS. To emphasize that statement, my stomach roils nervously and I feel Kerry's chicken fighting to come back up... Shit, what a waste...
I dash into the hallway bathroom where Kerry's scent still lingers. It adds fuel to my destruction and soon I'm heaving into the toilet. Well at least I can't smell Kerry anymore. Oh shit... Just the thought of her, starts the heaving again... only there is nothing left to be released. Nothing is worse than dry heaving in a small, cramped, puke-filled bathroom in your bikini on a beautiful day after being deserted by your date. I hate my life.
I flush away the evidence of my humiliation and wash my mouth with water. The toothbrush only exacerbates the problem when I attempt to brush so I let it go with a good rinse of mouthwash. Not like I'll be kissing anyone anyway... I stumble upstairs to the safety of my room. Ripping the bikini off and slipping into an old T-shirt and boxers. Then I crawl into bed, pulling the covers over my head.
It's still light outside, but I don't care. This day is over as far as I'm concerned... and the sooner it ends, the better.
An hour later I'm still staring at the muted folds in my blanket unable to get HER out of my head. I flip over for the ten-thousandth time in as many seconds and squeeze my eyes shut again. Not that it does any good. As soon as my eyes shut I see her again, her hair shining in the sun, her eyes flashing back at me, her head thrown back as I dive in for the kill... If only I hadn't ... if only I'd traveled back up to kiss her... if only...
It starts in my heart, the sensation of sorrow that forms into tears. Tears that soak my pillow under me. I am such a loser. Textbook, really. I always fall for those completely unattainable and otherwise unavailable women... Why do I do this? Oh come on Kim... you know why. Love can't be real if it's too easy. Hell, if it's easy it doesn't even cause a blip on my radar screen. I hope Ms. Right, whenever she happens along, has the good sense to play married or something just so I notice her. So sick... so sick and twisted I am. Well, so is Kerry... yeah... we are such a perfect match... I laugh into my pillow.
Oh this is pathetic, get up and DO something... you aren't going to sleep... Maybe there is something on TV... something to numb thy brain. Hmmmm. I reach out and pick up the remote from the nightstand and point it at the TV.
The blank square comes to life, a picture coming into focus. Some commercial for a Prozac derivative... I flip the channel, finding some football game... God I hate football. I keep changing the channel, cruising through about 20 others before landing on something. I smile to myself and lean back into my pillow, getting comfy.
I have to admit, I have always been a big fan of this show... not the biggest surprise considering. I mean they are rather hot... both of them and it's so obviously a love story... between two woman... how could I NOT like it? Not that I'd ever admit it to my colleagues... I wonder what Kerry would think of this show?
I roll my eyes and concentrate harder on the images of Xena and Gabrielle flashing across my screen. It's the one where they travel into the future... well the India one. I love this part.
In a future life, Gabrielle finds herself in the body of a man and Xena is in the body of an old woman with a cane. In this scene 'Xena' as the old woman comes limping into her tent to check on the injured warrior that just saved her life. The warrior is actually Gabrielle and when they touch they recognize each other. That's all they need, just a touch.
Well if that doesn't give you a clue... Suddenly I'm struck by the way Xena moves around using a cane... it seems so familiar. Odd... Huh... Wow, Kim, how surprising that you would see Kerry *everywhere*... Now you're thinking she's like Xena? Interesting thought. My lips curl at the idea of Kerry flipping through the ER to brandish her cane in an unruly worker's face... Not too far off, actually.
I've thought about reincarnation before. It's an interesting idea... but I've never really *felt* it until I met Kerry. The moment I laid eyes on her I felt I *knew* her and it went far beyond a familiar face or something. There was a recognition that drew me to her like nothing I'd ever felt. In fact that also played a part in what happened today. That intoxicating chemistry between us completely overwhelmed my sense of decency. Once we were so intimately touching, I couldn't hold back anymore.. I'd found 'home' and she was mine. It was like a drug. A really wonderful drug.
Hmmm, if we are spiritually linked like .. well Xena and Gabrielle... (I can't believe I'm even thinking this) then we can't help but end up together... right? Strangely, I feel relieved at the thought, crazy as it may be.
I'd thought about going in to work , just for a distraction. I'd even gone as far as changing my jeans and shirt for a work shirt and some black slacks. Yet, once I'd pulled on my long coat and was standing at the door, I'd changed my mind. Indecision was getting to be a very bad habit lately. I just kept having this image of Malucci fixing me with that 'don't you have a life?' look when I'd shown up on my day off.
A life? For once, actually, I do have one... maybe going to work and avoiding it isn't the best idea. I can find plenty of ways to avoid it without leaving the house. And so I'd proceeded to prove that very fact, by cleaning the house... which considering how immaculate I keep it, took all of 15 minutes... Then I checked my email... which took another 15 minutes what with deleting the 100's of junk mail messages, filing and scheduling the 10 professional notices and answering the meager 3 personal messages. Nothing exciting... So next I'd surfed the web which was interesting for about ten minutes... Usually I can get sucked into the cyber world by browsing online medical journals, but today I'd felt oddly drawn to the porno messages in my mailbox... and dammit, if I'm going to surf through online pornography.
So I'd made my way to the couch and the TV. I don't usually watch TV outside the occasional PBS special, but I really needed a distraction that would last longer than a few minutes. I'd flipped through a dozen channels before stopping on a show called Xena.... something. At first it was the stunning cinematography that had grabbed my attention... and then it was them that made me stay and become fixated on the screen for the next hour. I'd never seen the show before, though I'd heard of it vaguely. I can't believe this has been around all this time and I've missed it. Heck, I might have come out earlier... Uh.. what?... mmmm, nevermind.
Funny, but this Gabrielle reminds me of someone... Xena too. I'll have to watch this again. Wow, I think they're implying that these two are lovers... certainly soulmates. Wow.
Soulmates. I've never really believed in that... not until recently. I always thought it was a bunch of mushy bullshit made up by those pitiful romantics... I'd never felt anything remotely akin to the kind of cosmic love shown on shows like this.. Until I'd met Kim. Lately I'm as mushy as they come.. I chuckle as my mind dips down into the gutter.
You know, if I were Xena, I wouldn't let this little setback have its way with me... I'd march on over there and ... and... hmmm.
Before my rational mind can talk me out of it, I pull myself off the couch just as Xena launches into a battle cry. It sends a shiver of adrenaline through my system and I take advantage of it, grabbing my cane and heading for the door. I don't even stop to turn off the TV or consider for a moment that I have an early shift in the morning and that I should grab a change of clothes... I just pick up my feet and go...
I jump when the knock startles me out of my television-induced haze.
I'm downstairs now, having relaxed considerably since this afternoon. Lounging on the couch in my boxers, while indulging in one of my guilty pleasures. Thank God for television and its therapeutic powers. Not to mention my romantic delusions. I'd even managed to get some toast and butter down with a tall glass of milk. Amazingly, after Xena, Kerry had moved to the back of my mind, safely ensconced in the 'will work itself out' compartment.
After a long pause, the knocking resumes, this time more insistent. Must be a salesman or something. I walk slowly to the door and look through the glass panels, thinking I'll shoo them away with a shake of the head.
Oh My God!
Kerry is staring back at me with a determined look on her face. Her eyes are on fire, like nothing and no one will stop her from achieving whatever her goal is... which appears to have something to do with me... Oh boy, I hope this isn't bad... she wouldn't show up in person, if it was, right?
She'd changed her clothes from this afternoon and she looks beautiful in a long sleek coat. Yet, something is different about her... something... I smile and open the door, not knowing what to expect.
"Ker - ?"
Her face takes on an almost feral expression and she rushes into me before I can complete the uttering. Immediately, she's all over me as if she'd never left. I'm shocked, but I cover well.. this is what I was hoping for after all. We back into the house as a unit all the while her tongue demanding access, which I, of course, am too happy to grant. I guess she worked it out... Mmmmmmm. Maybe there is something to this reincarnation idea...
Kerry's foot closes the door, slamming it behind her without breaking contact with my mouth as she shoves me into the wall. I like this aggressive Weaver.. but where did it come from? It's almost like she's trying to prove herself... uh... oh... that could be bad in the long run...
"Ker - ?... Wait..." I break away from her, holding myself inches from her face. "Not that I'm objecting to this... but what happened to bring on this drastic change in your behavior?"
Kerry stares back for a moment and then breaks eye contact, smiling sheepishly. She chuckles low in her throat for a moment and then looks back up at me... "You'll laugh."
"Really. Do tell."
Kerry looks over my right shoulder, obviously embarrassed by something. "I was watching a TV sho -" She stops short when I inhale sharply. "What.."
Uh-oh, this is too weird! "Go on... you were watching a TV show?"
She squints her eyes at me and then continues. "Yeah, this great show... I'd never seen it. Xena Warrior something."
"Princess." Jesus.. this is not happening.
Kerry looks back at me and smiles. "Yeah.. You've heard of it?"
"Actually, I was watching it too. So .. uh.. how did that get you back over here?"
Kerry looks down at her feet. "Well... I got your message. Thank you. But I wasn't ready to call you yet... So I switched on the TV to distract me... and suddenly I was glued to the screen, watching these two woman cross time and space to be together... and ... I... I started thinking about you... and what happened .. and then I, I don't know, I guess I just thought 'if I was this Xena'... well, I don't think she'd let a little thing like fear get in her way... you know?"
"Silly I know, but it did the trick. I'll have to watch that show again..."
"I'll loan you my tapes, I like its effect on you."
"You have it on tape?"
"Mocking me, won't get you anywhere, Kerry."
"I'll remember that..."
"So ... um... what do you want to do?"
Kerry blushes a deep red and looks away. Oh I see...Woah, when she makes up her mind, she doesn't fool around. Okay, careful Kim, let's not relive the afternoon's debacle.
"Could I interest you in some Chinese food and maybe another Xena video to start off the evening?"
"As long as you accompany both items."
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