Title: Whispers in the Dark (2/7) PG-13
Author: Darshann (Kiss)
Spoilers: RPS, Surrender
Setting: post-RPS, pre-Surrender
Disclaimer: Women in love, who knew? Kim, Kerry, et al... not mine, but I WUV them.
Whispers in the Dark, part 2
The day had been nothing unusual. People coming in with the same complaints and troubles as any other day. I'd assembled my troops and issued my orders, watching as each advance was successful in turning back the enemy and holding it at bay. So far the day's campaigns had all been rousing triumphs. I was the supreme master of my domain. Each polished and practiced strategy shaping and organizing the world around me into neat tidy bundles of paper and newly vacated beds. Lives were saved, lives were lost, but the battle was still being won. The chaos of the outside world had not entered to take over. Of course, perfection has its drawbacks...
I move over to the admit desk, gazing up at the glass board. Mentally moving patients around like so many pieces on a chess board until I find the satisfying click inside my mind. I reach for the marker and start assigning patients to doctors and rooms. "Randi, where is Carter?"
Randi, on the computer, is working on my last assignment, grouping old case files into my new system. Without turning, she answers me between popping gum noises. "He's in exam three with the chest pain lady... Ms. Roberts."
"Exam One with the boy who swallowed his action figures."
I nod to myself. "When they both come out, let them know I already assigned them their next cases. Mark too."
Randi half turns to look at me, still chewing. If Randi ever gives up gum, it will be a sure sign of Armageddon's fast approach. "Slow day, Dr. Weaver?" I ignore her playful barb and make my way over to the charts, thumbing through them.
Sigh. Nothing to do here. What I wouldn't give for a good crisis to handle or employee to chew out. I glance back at Randi, but she's returned to her task. Mindlessly pushing buttons, sending files into this folder and that folder. She couldn't be more the picture perfect employee if she tried. Sigh. I could go find Kim....Uhhhhh. Maybe now's a good time to work on my article about the correlation between patient/doctor organization and an ER's efficiency. Yeah, yeah, I need to work on that...
I move across the admit area to the other side of the counter. I know I put my notes in this drawer somewhere. But in spite of my certainty, they aren't there. Dammit. You can organize an entire ER to run like so many finely oiled gears, but you'd lose your crutch if it wasn't attached to your arm!
I gaze out across the floor, staring into space as I vainly try to recall where I left the notes last. Patients and family members move across my vision, not registering as more than random blips on an already busy radar screen. Until I see the blonde curls, purposeful gait, crisply fashionable attire... and the radar screen flashes, registering a bogie at one o clock, headed straight toward me, impact imminent and unavoidable.
I see her. Across the crowded ER floor, all flowing legs and hair. Her radiant smile hitting its target, impacting and exploding deep in my heart. The cacophony of ER sounds fade with each step that brings her closer to me. Shimmering like a mirage in the desert of my world. She's beautiful. The dream of her is so unbelievable I wonder sometimes how she's come into being, the perfect embodiment of everything I've ever wanted, ever needed. Though I didn't even know it myself, until yesterday. Yesterday...
We sit in her car, our own little sanctuary from the world. The wind whips drowsily around us outside this tiny haven. My front door a scant few yards away, but she's so much closer. Our giggles which had just filled the small space a few heartbeats earlier, slowly dissipate into the tremulous silence of the moment. I want to open my heart to her... I've never felt like that before. Never. The feeling is so sweet and overpowering. Something I've always wanted. Always been searching for and never found. Till now.
"This is like a dream." I whisper and then her hand is on my cheek and my words fade into the darkness. Her hand. The soft warm power of it, bringing so many sensations and emotions to the surface, I wonder if I will overflow. I want to. I want to find out. I want to feel her all around me so I can revel in her. I want to feel her lips again. Those lips I ran from so many days ago. Those lips that are making my pulse thunder in my veins. My breath catches in my throat wondering...hoping... longing.
She leans in. My breathing stops as her forehead collides with mine and then I feel her lips against my own.
I want to cheer and cry at the very same instant. The world shattering around me. My insides rage, the consistency of boiling lava, pushing out from every pore of my skin, burning in its release. I struggle to hold on to my own sense of reality. No use. It slides away as she glides against my skin. Soft and tingling. I'm only a quivering mass of nerve endings and emotions. Everything vibrating at the extreme end of my ecstatic spectrum... I barely recall how to breathe. Each heartbeat bringing a new sensation, a new universe of joy, all but unknown until this moment. I've never felt this before, in just a kiss. Just a kiss? I feel like we're making love already. Can this be happening? Have I died and gone to Heaven without knowing? Oh, what... what did I do to deserve such paridise?
"You are so beautiful." She whispers in my ear. Tears jump to my eyes, sweeping a wave of joy and sorrow though my body and I find my breath again. I am? How can she mean that? Me? I'm not beautiful.... and then her lips have found mine again and she's inside, reaching for me. I feel the bottom drop out from under me as her tongue touches my own. Merging rhapsody and terror into a quivering mass of insecurities... What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm doing this all wrong? Is this wrong?
As if in answer, her movement slows and then pauses. Waiting? Reassessing? Leaving? No! I can do this, I can do this... I rush forward into her, pulling her to me. I want you. I want you. Oh God, I want you.
Her murmurs of pleasure vibrate into my mouth sending lightening flashes of erotic electricity through my soul. Colors ignite and burst inside my closed lids, showers of sparks shooting from the top of my head to rain down upon us in a waterfall of brilliance. And its like swimming, free of all the confines the world has put upon me. My limited body and mind left behind as I swim into Kim and out again, savouring her flavor and sharing mine in each touch and caress. Blindly we map eachothers teeth and tongues and lips, memorizing every curve and hollow. Every sweet murmur until soon there is nothing but hot flesh against hot flesh, as we hungrily burrow deeper and deeper...
"Kerry?" Kim's voice startles me out of my reverie, sending a shiver of intense pleasure down my spine. Her eyes are staring back at me, mere inches away, threatening to pull me under. She says so much with her eyes. I want to sink into them and never return. Immerse myself in her scent and touch and taste. I feel my heart flutter uselessly against my chest, a silly smile pulling at my lips.
Her arms fold in front of her as she leans into the counter before me. I gaze at her arms, reaching out a finger to tentatively touch the supple muscles moving smoothly under her silky skin, recalling those same arms around me last night. The safety and completeness I had felt in her arms had been a shock. I'd realized the power of my physical attraction to her before that moment, but I hadn't expected the rest.
I hadn't expected to find something in her that I had never found in anyone before, had given up looking for so long ago. I had ached all my life to find that essence of complete and utter safety and acceptance. Even my mother, rocking me as a child, hadn't quite completed the circle. This was one of the reasons I had gone searching for my birth mother. Thinking that missing link had been lost with her. Then it comes along in a person I would never have imagined in my life, but who is every inch my deepest yearnings made flesh and blood.
The discordant sounds of patients in pain swiftly jolt me back to the real world and I suddenly wonder if my face is betraying my thoughts. The fear that other people can see it, can read me, us, like an open book, grips me with cold iron fingers and I look away quickly, withdrawing my hand to my side.
I focus on the drawer I'd been searching through and I clear my throat, speaking loudly in my best professional voice. "Hello, K... Dr...., did someone page you down?" Silence answers me and I know she's confused, perhaps even angered by the sudden shift in my demeanor. Shit. I look up and tentatively meet her gaze.
Eyebrows knit delicately above her sparkling azure eyes, her face thrust down and forward just into my personal space. Her lips are smiling gently, but her eyes are regarding me sharply. Familiarity in her expression, demanding acknowledgement and connection, calling me on my cowardice. Her gaze holds me like an insect impaled on a straight pin. I find it impossible to look away when she does that. Damn her.
Her face juts forward slightly, her eyes widening as she tries to bring me back to her, back to the reality of the moment. "Nooooo... oddly.... Lunch?"
My breath leaves me all in one gush, full of fear and excitement. I quickly gaze around to see who is nearby. Who could have heard? Who might guess? But no one is watching us, no one is listening. Even Randi seems to have gone off somewhere to deal with something, her chair in front of the computer is vacant. I guess there are many other advantages to being a stern task master. Seems all my busy little bees are actually busy, for once.
I glance at Kim again, barely able to resist the intense urge to grab her and kiss her. The unbidden intrusion of my libido sends me reeling. Butterflies dancing in my stomach as the desire vibrates across my skin, raising goose-bumps that brush uncomfortably against the coarse fabric of my doctor's coat. Heat rises to my cheeks and I know I'm blushing. Good God, I have never been this out of control at work. Not here. I can't do this here. Too much pushing against me all at once, holding me back. I want this.. I want this so much. But this is not good... "Uhh... n .. not here?"
Kim's face is still gently thrust forward into my space, watching me intensely, her arms still resting on the counter almost touching mine. Her eyes hold me again, gentle in her silent refusal to let me push her away. She's all too aware of the battle raging through my mind and heart. Except for the initial fleeting look of pain at my response, her features are filled with understanding. She's been here before... in my shoes. Has she? Like this? Somehow I doubt her experience was quite like this.
Her eyebrows have risen up her forehead, the soft skin crinkling from their intrusion. "Do you have that kind of time?"
I swallow and nod, looking away from the magnetic gaze of her eyes. "I'll have my beeper if they need me, but Mark and Luka are both on today... I'm mostly doing paperwork."
She smiles lazily, her eyes blinking away and then her gaze is on me again, like the hot summer sun disappearing behind a cloud and then reappearing, hot and searing as ever. The fire between us is so palpable I'm amazed the firemen haven't descended already, turning their hoses on us before we burst into flames... the image recalls one of our early cases together. Wet Blanket Man, Kim had called him. A giggle escapes my lips and Kim's eyes question the outburst... intrigued. I shake my head... "Come on, lets get out of here."
Grabbing my coat and gloves, we start towards the exit, but then I spot Randi heading our way. She's moving through chairs, back to the admit desk, arms full of papers. I glance at Kim nervously and pause. Kim, seemingly sensing my fears, slowly continues on without looking back at me.
"Randi." The young woman looks at me, expecting a new task to be laid on her shoulders. I smile and her eyes fly open briefly before she can mask her surprise. I guess I'm not the friendliest person usually. Oh well, this isn't a popularity contest.
"I'm going out for lunch. If an emergency comes up, beep me.. otherwise, Mark is in charge 'til I get back." She nods slowly, blinking as I brush past her towards the exit.
Kim is waiting outside, arms crossed over her chest defensively. She's staring out into the empty ambulance bay, scowling. Wait a minute. Is she angry? Did I do something wrong?
She catches my movement and turns to meet me, the scowl quickly replaced by a smile that spreads over her soft features and into her eyes. Whatever it was, its gone now. "Where to?" She asks expectantly.
I smile nervously, a million romantic settings spinning through my brain.. but all of them too far for a mid-shift lunch. Sigh. "As much as I'd love to go elsewhere, we shouldn't go too far. May I interest you in a revisit to Doc Magoos?"
Her eyes leave my face and she pauses and then turns in the direction of the diner. I fall in at her side eager to spend time with her. To be honest, I've been thinking of spending time with her all day, trying not to... Coming up with every unfinished half-thought-out project to keep myself and everyone around me occupied from the moment I had arrived til the moment Kim had reappeared... I'd been avoiding examining this, because it simply didn't fit into any of the neat little boxes or black and white labels with which I've structured the ER and my entire life... up until now. How would I categorize Kim? How could I ever label these feelings? How do I deal with it, if I can't do either? I've never flown by the seat of my pants in anything... but with this.. I have no choice. Unless I walk away... I glance at her walking beside me. Long and slim, she instills in me a happiness I didn't know I had in me... just by being here. How could I ever walk away? I don't think I could, even if I wanted to... which I don't.
Kim glances at me noticing my gaze and then back to the well trod path ahead of us. "You know, not that I don't appreciate its greasy charm, but I really hope Doc Magoos isn't going to become 'Our Place'."
I smile, thinking back on my well executed coup last night. I'm proud of myself for confronting her, not hiding from this like I had wanted to do. Last night, I realize, was our beginning. The first moment the 'us' was acknowledged and accepted by both of us... and it happened at Doc Magoos. I chuckle. "I'm afraid with that remark, you just made sure it would."
"Greeeeeat. How romantic." The scowl flickers across her visage again and then disappears into a blank tired expression.
I wonder at her reaction. Was she upset about something? I try to run back over the events of the day since she appeared... Is something wrong... or am I imagining things? "Hey, we have history there and its convenient. Don't judge the place for its looks."
"Or its food, or its service, or its multiple health violations..." The scowl makes another appearance, this time lingering slightly longer, only to be chased away by Kim's ever present smile.
"Are you trying to be annoying or is that just second nature to you?"
"What?" Her eyes snap to me and then away, defensively dismissing my words, still feigning a smile.
"I just want to be prepared."
"Whatever has you miffed?" I study her sharply, sure I've hit on it, yet still unsure why it has reared its ugly head in the first place.
"Ohhhh..." Kim mouths the word softly. Slowly realizing she is just as transparent to me as I am to her. Her eyes slide over to me, closely followed by her head. She studies me, sizing me up in some mysterious manner. Then she looks away again and is silent until we reach the railing of the diner steps.
"Did I do something?" My hand grasps the railing's cold metal using it for physical and mental stability. A panic stiring in the pit of my stomach. That panic that surges into being when presented with a problem I can't understand enough to solve or control. Something outside the orderable universe... Something like Kim.
Kim stares down at her feet, shuffling them in the dirty remnants of the last snowfall. Her shoulders sag and she sighs heavily, eyes closing as if she's bracing for a blow. "Are you really interested in me, Kerry? Or are you just bored and lonely?" Her eyebrows push together above her eyes, creasing the skin caught between into a sharp frustrated line. She lets out an exasperated sigh before I can respond. "Am I Kerry Weaver's latest foray into the unknown... research for a medical journal or something?"
"What? Kim! Why would you say something like that?" My voice ringing harshly in my ears, Kim shrugs and looks away into the distance, her chin quivering. She's silent again, refusing to give me more pointers. I've hurt her somehow and she's demanding I disprove whatever fears it's brought to the surface. Again the moment stretches, the silence growing more uncomfortable by the second.
"Kim.." I pull off my glove and reach out my hand to touch her face with my fingertips, trying to turn her gaze to mine. Her eyes flicker back from their distant location, but she still looks away from me. I wish I could encircle her in my arms and take away the mistake I've made, whatever it is... but I can't. I can't be so public with my affections... not yet. I'm surprised I've even touched her so intimately, so close to the hospital, in broad daylight. I couldn't help it...
My fingers trace her jaw lightly and then fall from her face to graze her shoulder and travel down her arm to her hand before I retreat back into my own space. "Kim, whatever I did, I'm sorry. This is all new to me. Scary to me. I'm sorry if I... I hurt you?"
Her eyes finally find me. Pain evident in their sky blue depths, yet softer now. The look on her face makes me want to reassure her. "I'm not just bored or lonely, Kim. Please, have lunch with me? Please?" Kim's eyes look past me at the diner and then back at me. Lingering for a moment.
"I guess it is kind of cute." She shyly smiles at me. The former pain buried again. I half wonder if I should pursue the issue, but I gladly grasp at the sudden reprieve. Hoping, perhaps, it won't come up again... whatever it was.
"Well, I think so... It's cozy.. and they have really good pie." She beams back at me now, her eyes snapping with sexual energy. I guess I've successfully pushed her through that former negativity. Dry humor and honesty, gotta remember that.
She reaches for my hand and squeezes it softly and then begins her ascent up the slippery steps. As she climbs the stairs ahead of me, I watch her well curved backside subtly swaying side to side just ahead and above. A hot flash of arousal spreads through each molecule of my being like wildfire. How will I ever survive working around this woman?
Kim reaches the door and holds it open for me, grinning. Our eyes meet, igniting another bolt of energy, spontaneously prompting each of our eyes to drift to our lips. Then, knowing we can't indugle in this mutual desire, our eyes return to eachother. We both share a secret smile, waves of heat pulsating around us. I move past her shaking my head to clear it. Her hand gently finds the small of my back as I pass. Completing the circle again as she touches me lightly, propelling me forward into the cozy quaint confines of 'Our Place'.
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