Title: Whispers in the Dark (1/7) PG-13
Author: Darshann (Kiss)
Spoilers: RPS, Surrender
Setting: post-RPS, pre-Surrender
Disclaimer: Women in love, who knew? Kim, Kerry, et al... not mine, but I WUV them.
Whispers in the Dark, part 1
The music in the diner fades into the background and the scene around us blurs. Her small hand grips mine, and its gentle pressure echos in my heart. I can't breath. This can't be happening. These eyes can't be looking at me like they are right now. She's so close I can see her trembling.
Before, I had all the answers. When I thought she was this hot little red head flirting with me, I knew what to do.... Or later when she transformed into this confused straight girl... I knew what to say, knew how to react.... But now? I don't even know what to think. I'm afraid to believe, I want it so bad. This can't be happening. She really can't be looking at me that way.
I break eye contact and exhale slowly looking down at our hands. Her fingers shift against mine and I hear her speak my name again. A little higher and more desperate this time. Then she says something haltingly that makes my head snap back up again. "What?"
Her eyes focus on mine, her features serious, filled with fear and wonder at the same time. "Maybe I'm not straight." She looks away for the first time. "I...I think I've felt things... with other... for other... but they never were interested in ....me.. before you." The last few words, she'd said so softly. Only just looking up at me as she'd said 'you' and then quickly away again. A tremor of pain, punctuated by a moment of hope had flickered across her features, revealing the story left unsaid.
She'd told me something there, a deep dark Kerry secret no one else has ever heard. Not even Kerry, before now. Tenderness spreads through me like warm water over my skin. I wish we were alone so I could fold her into my arms. Not that she's ready for that yet.... I smile at the top of her head. My unencumbered hand travels up to her chin and I gently tip her face up, catching her eyes once again. "I don't see why."
Her eyes search mine, confused at first. How could she not know how beautiful, incredible, adorable, heart-stopping-ly precious she is...? How cruel she has never known this about herself. How blind were these other women? Her lips spread into a smile that creeps into her grey-blue eyes. God I wish I could kiss her right now. A smile on my lips, I avert my eyes. "Are you hungry?"
"What?" So very Kerry. I love it when she gives me those 'whats'. She always says so much with so little.
"If we're going to stay, we might as well get dinner ... or maybe dessert." Her grip on my hand loosens as she realizes she's won. Yes, Kerry, you've won, I'm staying. God help me, how could I ever resist you looking at me that way. I follow her back to the table, shamelessly trying to peer at her behind as she moves. Damn coat.
I slide back into the seat and turn to get the waitress' attention. "Could we get some..." I look at Kerry.
"Coffee would be a good start... and pie maybe? They have great pie."
"Two coffees and a large slice of -"
"Blueberry" She interrjects as she gets herself settled across from me. I laugh softly.
"Blueberry pie... with two forks, please." The waitress nods and moves off. I turn to look at Kerry. Our eyes meet again and again we are stuck in that vaccuum that comes in the wake of shared emotion. I could stay like this for days, looking into her eyes as they shift colors in the dim light. What would they look like in a sunset or better yet... a sunrise? I hope I find out.
I take in the whole of her across from me. Waiting for this thing between us to swallow her whole or reveal the mysteries of the Universe - equally daunting, equally intriguing. "So what now?"
Kerry's brow arches over her eye and her forehead crinkles. Good God she's immitating me and she doesn't even realize it... the gay curse...the identical twin effect. Well, at least we look *nothing* alike.
"I thought you were the expert here, Kim."
I laugh outloud. "Oh, right, me the expert! Are you kidding?"
"Well, you said you'd done this before..."
I did? Oh... that day in the lounge. THAT day. "No, no, not this. I meant that I've done the just being 'friends' with a straight woman routine..." I pause for a moment, seeing that Kerry doesn't know what I mean.
"A lot of women enjoy the focused attention and 'safe' companionship only a smitten lesbian can lavish on them... Its ego-boosting I imagine... a ready made puppy-dog whenever they call, all their emotional needs met while waiting for the next relationship with a man." She's nodding as if she recognizes the scenario. I wonder if she's been in relationships like that, not realizing she was playing the role of the smitten and unrequited lesbian.
"For the lesbian, however, the closer they become as friends, the more they fall in love and want exactly what can't be given. So they are constantly confused and hurting, while fewer and fewer of *their* needs are being met. The whole thing is very co-dependent and unhealthy, really. Of course, eventually the straight woman ends up in a relationship with a man again. And since the lesbian no longer serves a purpose, she soon finds herself out in the cold. I've had my heart broken that way... over and over...." I'd been gazing at my hands on the table, but now I peer up at Kerry to see if she understands. She's frowning with a far away look on her face.
"That's what you thought I was doing? Taking advantage of your feelings for your 'attention'?"
I nod slightly after a moment. "I'm not saying I think its intentional or concious, but yeah... It's happened before. I'm glad I was wrong... I am wron....."
With a shake of her head, she dismisses my lingering doubts as understandable. "Aweek ago, I would have said, would have thought you were right. But then ...when you kissed me... everything changed... and I couldn't pretend anymore..."
Our eyes meet and again the vaccuum consumes us both. My face flushes as I think of that moment a few days ago. Sensations tickle the insides of my stomach and ripple throughout my being. Those mini mental orgasms. I knew she liked it, I knew it. I had been afraid to even think about it, but I was sure she had reciprocated, if only briefly. I burn to try it again. Remembering her silky lips on mine, her cheek against my hand...
Movement in my periphery startles me and I jump as the waitress sets two mugs and a plate of pie on the table. "Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you there."
"It's ok." I can feel Kerry smirking bemusedly in my direction without even looking.
The lady pours our coffee. "Cream? Sugar?"
I have the sudden urge to push the woman away just so Kerry and I can return to our silent staring contest, but I manage to deal with her reasonably and send her away without screaming or becoming violent. A minor miracle considering.
Kerry picks up her fork. "You know the pie here is really the best thing they offer." She takes a bite and I watch her chew, her tongue coming out quickly to clean the crumbs off her lip. Is she trying to flirt with me? She indicates the pie with her fork. "Try it." ...and I of course obey, for what else can I do?
How did these tables turn all of a sudden? Now I'm the one thrown off balance and uncertain, when just an hour ago I was the one in control. Wait a minute, I'm the lesbian here... well at least the experienced one... pull it together... This is a date now. You've done this with her before.. only this time she's aware of it too. Think of something witty, something that will make her laugh. You really love her giggle. Yeah, it's so cute.
"What are you thinking?"
I laugh. "I was trying to think of something clever. You know, scanning my database of pickup lines." She giggles, lighting up her face and the room around us. That was easy. Hmmm, honesty. "I'm just suddenly nervous, Kerry."
"You? Nervous?" She casually swipes some of the pie juice off the plate with her finger and places it in her mouth, licking it off. Good God! Is she doing that on purpose?
"Uh, yeah..." Is she trying to kill me?... Please? "I think I'm in a bit of shock, now that you've taken all my shattered dreams and brought them back to life so suddenly."
"I have a lot of practice bringing things back to life."
"I guess you do..". I take another bite of the pie, intrigued. "Is that why you became a doctor?"
"No!... well, yes.." She hesitates and I wonder if I've crossed an unspoken boundary in the Kerry fortress. "... when I was very little, four or five maybe, my mother... my adoptive mother... she took me on a trip to the islands... Carribean I think. Just the two of us in this tiny little house on the beach. It was so quiet there..." She trails off for a moment lost in the image.
Then just as suddenly she returns to her narrative. "One morning my mother was in the bathroom and I was watching the eggs. I was supposed to tell her when they looked done. I remember the tiny little travel sized pan we used. Just big enough to fry one egg at a time. Like doll cookware. I thought they were so cute. " She pauses again. Clearly shifting from a pleasant memory to a painful one.
She continues, bracing herself. Her voice shifting to a lower pitch. "I heard this loud bang from the bathroom just as I called out to her that the egg was ready..." Kerry suddenly gasps on the verge of tears and before I can even think it over, my hand darts out to grab hers. She squeezes back and I can feel she's trembling.
"I've never told this to anyone."
I nod, my eyes never leaving hers, my voice soft and comforting, "What happened next?"
Her eyes snap away from me and she's far away again. She has transformed before me into a helpless child within the body of this woman. Her voice comes out in soft short sentences like a five year old. "She didn't answer. The egg was burning . So I ran to the bathroom... The door... was open..." Kerry looks down, her fingertip swirling through some crumbs scattered on the table.
The adult Kerry returns. "The rest I don't remember from my own point of view for some reason." She looks up at me, tears welling in her eyes... emotion slams into me like a mack truck, tears sting my eyes as Kerry continues. "I have this image in my mind of this tiny red-headed child standing in front of this partly nude woman sprawled out on the floor... but I see it from overhead. As if I'm on the ceiling. I remember her long hair fanned out around her, her legs tucked to one side.... she looked like an 'S' or a swirl of paint and I just kept thinking 'she's so beautiful'... even the blood was beautiful... so red against the checkered tiles and her black hair..." Kerry swallows and I can see she is reliving the moment.
Her voice softens into awe. "I don't know how I knew or even how I did it, I remember being paralyzed with fear and then the feel of washcloths soaked with blood, then the running cold water on my hands...in my mind its all in slow motion, all disembodied and out of sequence... I was so scared and yet so calm at the same time. I thought she was going to die... and I was so helpless, so powerless and yet... somehow.."
Her eyes flicker over me and she comes back to herself. "Then we were at this medical station nearby and I don't know how we got there or what happened in between, but my mother was fine and all stitched up. The doctor there called me 'Lil Dr. Kerry' and he gave me a stethoscope to play with. I used to drive my parents crazy with that thing, trying to find a heartbeat in everything from an eggplant to the neighbor's cat.." We both giggle in comic release over this image of a tiny Dr. Kerry rushing about with a stethoscope, a precursor to the Kerry of today.
"Needless to say, the incident forever imprinted on my subconcious that I was destined to be a doctor. Self-fullfilling prophecy, I suppose."
"A good one." I smile at her and she smiles back shyly.
We're silent for a moment, each absorbing the story. Then I have the urge to lighten the mood again. "So what happened to the egg?" Kerry stares at me with that look of being taken completely by surprise. Why do I get the feeling I am the only person on the planet who can surprise her like that?
A smirk curls her lips and her eyes flash at me again. "I believe it became a very very burnt chunk of egg."
"Tasty." We burst into peals of laughter. The kind that make your stomach hurt but the rest of you feel so great you never want to stop.
I feel like I'm twenty years old again, falling in love for the very first time. I wonder if she feels the same way... maybe for her this really is the first time. I could stay here all night with her. All night. Well, if I didn't have that meeting at 7am tomorrow. What time is it? I glance at the clock on the wall and the laughter opposite me abruptly cuts off as she registers my thoughts.
"I guess it is pretty late." Her voice tinged with uncertainty. I glance at her, knowing I need to make a move to push this forward or make my excuses now. This is real, she actually wants to be with me... now what...? There you go Legaspi, trying to sabotage before its even begun. "Kim?"
I break out of my ruminations and meet her gaze. "Would you... would you like to come over for barbecue on Saturday?"
"A barbecue at your house?"
"Yes." Let's see that's 3 nights to clean and do the laundry and shop for food, clorinate the hot-tub...
"You mean a party?" She sounds worried.
"No. Just the two of us... alone.. in private... I have a barbecue out back on the deck and a hot tub. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend, no snow for once, maybe even sunny and warm enough for hot-tubbing." She blushes and smiles faintly.
"I could cook." she whispers.
"You cook?" Kerry smiles mischieviously at my surprise. Oh, if you only knew how sexy you look right now....
"So, I guess that would be our ... third date." Kerry smirks at me, clearly flirting now. "I bet you always invite women to your house on the third date.."
"I'm a lesbain, Kerry, I usually do that on the second date."
"What?" She's flustered by the prospect - this being that second date.
I laugh and shake my head. "Nevermind, Kerry. Actually, I think you are the first. I usually go to their places instead."
"Oh... You know, I could cook you dinner at my house, if you'd rather..."
"No, I really want you to come over. Really. No pressure though, Kerry... no expectations."
"'...kay." Comes the soft reply.
The waitress reappears at this moment as if on cue and hands us the bill before clearing away our empty plate and mugs. Did we eat the whole thing? I can't even recall. After she leaves I lean across the table to Kerry. " I think that was a hint."
Kerry nods and we both pull out our wallets. She frowns at me. "Hey, you paid last time, its my turn.... How does that work, anyway? I mean if you were the man you would pay.. but..."
"There isn't really a rule. Whoever makes more money, or is more insistent on paying... or we just do what we're doing - take turns."
"Hmmmm. This isn't the most impressive meal for me to treat." Kerry takes out a $20 bill and places it under the salt shaker. The 'meal' was only $7. Generosity is impressive enough in my book. She starts to get up and I slide out of the booth, meeting her again just shy of where we had stood hand in hand a few hours ago.
"Walk you to your car?" I offer as she is pulling on her coat again.
"I came in on the El today."
"Can I drive you home then?" She stops pulling on her coat and gives me that look again. "Is that a yes?" She nods, speechless at this simple gesture of kindness. How could she have gone so long being so very alone? I wonder as we move out of the diner into the street, her warm presense bleeding through my side as we walk.
The slushy snow melts on the pavement. I hope the forecast was right. They had predicted a few sunny days at the end of the week. I shiver at the thought of seeing Kerry in a bathing suit... or not in one. I look over then and watch her flowing smoothly in her limping gait. I forget sometimes about her disability, she makes it seem like something so normal and easy. One of the many things I admire about her.
We reach my car and I let her in like a good gentl...woman (Long have I been privy to the secret pleasures of opening a door for a beautiful woman and having them reward you with a smile of gratitude. Many a time I have even raced a man for the privilege of opening a door for a lovely lady... I never get enough of the scowls the men give me... or the smiles the women offer. Still, they never figure it out. I don't exactly strike the average person as a "lesbian" I guess... whatever that means.).
Except for her giving directions, the drive to Kerry's is pretty quiet. I guess we each have a lot to think about after the events of today and tonight. The day certainly has ended 180 degrees from how I was expecting it to end. We turn a corner and I reach out to shift the car to a lower gear. My hand lingers on the knob for a moment and I feel her small warm fingers wrap around mine in the darkness. I move our entwining hands to settle on her thigh and hear her sigh softly. Her face turned to the window, leaving little circles of frost on the pane where her breath hits the cold glass. I glance over and see her tracing something into the foggy shape with a finger.
"What are you doing?"
She jumps like a school girl caught at being naughty. "I... I'm... sorry... I just ."
"It's ok Kerry, I'm not anal about those things... but what are you writing on my window?"
She doesn't say anything, her mouth still hanging open mid-apology. "Uh..." her jaw begins to pump up and down silently. If I didn't think she'd become insulted or hurt right now, I'd laugh out loud at the comical picture of a very flustered Kerry in my car.
She scans the road ahead and quickly changes the subject. "Turn up here, my place is on the corner." Saved by the bell.
I pull up to the curb in front of her house and let the engine shut off. We sit for a moment, neither one of us sure how to proceed. In the silence, curiosity gets the best of me and I quickly lean over Kerry to peer at the window where she had been doodling. Kerry realizes what I'm looking at and quickly tries to cover it while wiping it off the glass, but not before I can make out K+K in little letters.
Okaaaaaay, I've reduced the Cheif of the ER to highschool initial obsession. I better keep her away from tree trunks and pocket knives. I smile at her and shake my head trying not to giggle, but soon we both are anyways. I wonder if she's ever giggled this much in one day.
Smiling she turns to me saying something. I only hear the timber of her voice, seeing the curves of her face in the half moonlight. I reach out my free hand and gently touch her cheek. Her words cease, but she doesn't move away. Instead she gently leans into me, her eyes shining up at mine... asking me... and so I do. How can I say no to a face like this?
Gentle at first, testing the waters again. Afraid still that its all a dream. That she'll cry 'straight' again... I lean over the gear shift, my hands on her seat to either side of her body. Her warm thigh crushed against one. Our eyes close and our foreheads touch again, then her lips press into me, her hand crawling up my arm to my shoulder. I gently nibble on her bottom lip with my own lips and am rewarded with a rush of hot air as she sighs against my mouth. Her lips relax open, letting me caress her. She is motionless, feeling the sensations one by one as they tumble over her.
Witnessing this awakening, I suddenly recall the explosion of my first kiss with my first female lover. I remember forgetting to move just as Kerry has, lost in the power of the intense intimacy. Every touch, a myriad of exquisite sensations and emotions. I want her to remember this forever. This welcome to her soul, her inner bliss. I cover her lips with my own, taking her soft upper lip between the flesh of my own, her lower lip gripping mine. I travel across the silky skin. A gentle kiss to the edge of her mouth and then softly across her cheek to her ear, slowly grazing the sensitive area with my lips and tongue. She gasps and rests the weight of her head against mine. I whisper in the dark, "You're so beautiful."
She inhales sharply and I sense her inner protest coming, so I turn her face in my hands and capture her lips again. No hesitation this time as our lips part and we meet in between. Our tongues touch. I feel her tremble. I gently slow to let her take the lead again. A fleeting fear that she'll stop tumbles through my mind, but Kerry takes over with the fluidity of a dancer. Moving against me, pulling me closer. My whole body tingles, heat flashing through me. Pulsating into eachother, wrapping ourselves inside one another, pushing deeper and deeper...
More and more aroused with each second, I feel the urge to slide my hands under her shirt, feel the warmth of her skin... My hands begin to move of their own accord, but then I gently pull my lips back. Breaking off the kiss, still lingering, noses side by side. I rest my forehead on hers, both of us breathing loudly, my eyes still closed.
One of her arms slips around my neck, her hand touching my head. The other arm surrounds my shoulders. Her head moves down to my shoulder and I move my hands to her back to complete the embrace. I'm holding Kerry Weaver. My arms tighten around her, holding her closer. The stick-shift digs into my ribs between us, reminding me where we are and my eyes open.
The K+K has reappeared against the fogged up window. I chuckle.
"What?" She says sleepily against my shoulder.
"You've branded my car."
"...but you left out the 4-ever part.."
I feel her come back to herself as she turns in my arms to look at my face. A small wrinkle between her eyebrows as she tries to interpret my words. I smile and shake my head. She's so cute. I push my chin towards the window. "Behind you."
Thinking I had meant a person, her head whips around quickly, her arms loosening as she pulls away from me... and I regret my choice of words. But then she relaxes as she sees the masterpeice behind her... and all around us. "I'm glad its dark in here."
"Why?" My arms are still around her. Her arms resting on mine, hands splayed across my upper arms and shoulders. Her face turns back to me, eyes shining in the reflected light from a street lamp. A patch of pink cheek, but the rest of her shaded in dark greys.
"Because I'm blushing." We giggle for the umpteenth time tonight, both enjoying the feel of the other so close. Then we're silent for a while staring into eachother's eyes, until finally Kerry smiles and dips her head.
"It's getting late." I glance at the clock. "Or early.... Let me walk you to your door?" Kerry smiles at my persistent chivalry, releasing our embrace. She looks down at her cane and then she turns and begins to pull at the car door handle. "No, no, let me get that!" I jump out of the car and rush around to her side, opening the door and waiting for her to emerge before shutting it behind her.
I follow her up her steps to her door and watch as she places her key in the lock and unbolts it. She looks up at me, not wanting the night to end, but knowing it must. I smile and look down at the ground. Then I meet her eyes again before leaning down to kiss her softly. I whisper into her ear as I pull away, "I'll see YOU tomorrow." and then turn to start my descent down the stairs.
"How can you be so sure?" Her voice low and playful as she calls after me.
I look back over my shoulder. "Oh I just have a feeling you'll discover plenty of clever ways to call me down for consults." I pause and feel my face crinkle into a smile. "And if you don't, I'll just come kidnap you for lunch."
Kerry's hand reaches out, her fingers quickly brushing against my wrist. "...kay." She almost whispers. How does she do that? Bouncing between fiery sex kitten and shy little girl in the space of mere seconds like that. Oh, so many more wonderful Kerry faces waiting for me to discover and decipher. I think I could spend my entire lifetime figuring her out. A warmth passes through me at the prospect.
I turn and walk back down the steps, heading to the car. Halfway there I turn and look back. A dreamy moonlight Kerry is leaning against the doorframe, gazing after me. I smile and roll my eyes, waving as I get in the car. She still hasn't moved as I start the motor. Or when I've pulled back into the street. So I wave again. Her little hand returning the gesture as I drive away. I catch her form in my rearview mirror, smaller and smaller until she disappears into darkness... and she still had not looked away.
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