Title: Moments 1/2
Author: Darshann (Kiss)
Spoilers: Walk in the Woods
Summary : what happens right after Kerry leaves the restaurant.
Discalimer: Kim, Kerry, Carter, Abby, Christy, Kate - don't own 'em. I own this story...
If love btw two women offends, read something else... enjoy.
Note: the title "Moments" refers to many things, many kinds of moments. Good ones , bad ones... but mostly - important ones. For both Kim and Kerry... these 'moments' will be remembered 'all of their lives'. And for those of you really clued into my frame of reference, that is an allusion to a song from Streisand's movie Yentl: This Is One of Those Moments
The door to the cab slams shut, Kerry's small face dimly showing through the window. Standing here, rooted to the ground, I don't feel the cold air swirling around me or the snow softly falling on my thin shirt. The warm wash of unshed tears fills me to the point of overflowing, lips trembling as I stand here lost in the brutality of the moment. This is one of those moments. A deep dark blood red moment were the world comes crashing in and stamps out the flame of your soul. I want to sob 'til there is nothing left, I want to run after her, I want to bash in Christy's skull.. and yet I stand here shivering in the snow.
How did this happen? Please don't let this be happening all over again. Maybe if I don't move, this will all fade away and I can wake with Kerry in my arms again. My face uncontrollably crumbles at the thought, the warmth of tears exploding onto my cheeks. I dip my head into my freezing hands, washing them with my sorrow, gasping for reprieve. Why? Please, God, why?
I suddenly feel a coat being draped over my shoulders and it stanches the flow of tears. I whirl around to find Kate standing there. Her eyes are filled with compassion before she looks down at the ground. Shame paints her features as she mumbles, "I'm sorry Kim. I... I..., " she shakes her head. She raises her eyes to mine. "Go after her."
"What?" I stare at her in disbelief. "Now she's good enough? Now that the both of you have had your fun scaring her away?" I half turn to gaze through the restaurant window at Christy, still inside. She has been watching me and I catch her eyes before she flicks them to her plate. Hate fills my being, blind red rage crawls up my throat and I want to crash through that window and... and ... then it all seems so ludicrous. So I laugh. What the hell had I expected? After weeks of dodging Christy's questions and not so subtle barbs, I had wanted to prove her wrong. This wasn't going to end the way the other had... No, I had wanted to prove myself wrong. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the familiar moment to occur. And here it was, crafted from my own insecurities. Christy had only ushered it along. She was the demon of my own fears come to life. After all, I had shared enough of them over the phone, throughout this new romance... and the other one... and ...the other one. Sigh.
Kate's voice breaks into my thoughts. "We got out of hand, no excuse for that. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to speak to either of us again." She pauses, expecting me to negate the idea... but I can't. Too angry. Too sad. Too lost. I stare at my feet as Kate continues. "You know how Christy is, always trying to get a rise out of people. Always trying to find their limit. She feels awful. I feel awful."
"Good." Kate falls silent for a moment and I can feel her trying to gauge my reaction. Finally she sighs, defeated.
" Kim, It doesn't matter what we think. And whatever Kerry said, she had every right, I would have run too. Far far away from the scary scary lesbians and the evil girlfriend who was laughing right along with them."
Unbidden I laugh at this. Dammit, I am so easy. I look up at Kate. "I did, didn't I." She nods and I close my eyes, seeing it through Kerry's. What the hell had I been thinking. I shake my head. I hadn't been. "She said she cared about me. But then she said she didn't want to adopt our lifestyle." I laugh morosely. "I wouldn't either if that was my introduction. ...Oh shit, now she's going to have a complex..."
Kate rolls her eyes. "Don't make it worse then it is, Dr. Legaspi. From what I saw, she's a pretty strong woman, I think she'll be ok."
"Yeah, but will we?" The hand of fear reaches in and grabs hold of me once again. All the anxiety returning. I feel no more than 5 years old. Helpless all over. "Oh God, Kate, I'm already in love with her. I can't lose her. Not now." The tears start again.
"Kim, you won't. She loves you, too. It was written all over her face the entire night. She's just scared."
I sniffle, wiping my eyes on the sleeve of my coat. "Really?"
"Yeah." Kate smiles at me and I feel the soft flame of my soul rekindle at her reassurance. "Now go after her, you silly. Go tell her you have idiots for friends and we're really sorry. Really, really sorry. Tell her, we were most impressed by her exit - that took balls... Huge ones."
I raise my eyebrows, surprised by the comment. "Oh she'll like that." I pause. "You really think she loves me?"
"It's about as obvious as the nose on her face."
"A very cute nose."
"Uh, huh. Would you get out of here?"
"Ok." I start to walk to the street where my car is parked, but then turn back. "Tell Christy... I know she sent you out after me... tell her thanks for saying that about Kerry."
Kate's eyebrows shoot up. "How'd you know?"
"Kate, you have never referred to BALLS in your entire life, while Christy seems to have some sort of sick fascination for them..." We both scrunch up our faces at the unbidden visual. "Ewwww... you know what I mean, and thanks for coming after me."
"No problem. Now get the hell out of here!"
Once in my car, the thoughts start pouring in ... is Kate right? Does Kerry really love me? Oh, God, please yes. The engine starts and I pull away from the restaurant, snow swirling into my windshield. Where would she go? Home? I guess that's the best place to start looking.
The snow flies by as I make my way up the busy streets to Kerry's side of town. A hard rock of fear still sits in the pit of my stomach. What if's bouncing through my head. What if, I can't fix this? What if, I never get to hold her again? What if, I lose her? Kate's words float back in and their soft edges wrap around my shoulders. I picture Kerry this morning. Watching me. She never says much with her words, but her eyes. Oh God, those eyes. A warm shiver runs down my spine.
I accelerate, wanting to see her face again. Wanting to wipe away the tears and hold her softly in my arms. Tell her it will be ok. The tears come again. Welcome now. Warm and comforting, leaking out my doubts with each salty drop. The song on the radio whispers into my ear, speaking of my Kerry in soft words and gentle tones. I glance at the lit console and reach out to turn up the volume, taking my vision from the road.
When I look back up bright lights splash across the water streaked windshield, blinding me. A horn screeches through the night and I try to swerve away, panic gripping my chest. Everything slows to a crawl, the song lengthening as it mixes with the sound of my tires ripping across the slick road. And then impact as I slam into something. Something huge.
In slow motion, I watch as the car compacts around me, the air bag bursting forth and enveloping me in the new smell of rubber, drowning out the tangy iron scent of blood. So much blood. Warm against my body. Just like the tears. But with each moment as it leaves me, I feel colder. So much colder. I try to move. Try to concentrate on the car, but I can't. The weight of a thousand lives flash before me. So many missed moments, so many times. Not this time. No, not this time. Don't let me lose her again.
The car stops as it hits a pole on the other side, compacting it even further. I can't tell where the car stops and I begin. My eyelids hover over my dulling eyes, the world slowly dimming. I hear shouts outside as my eyelids fall. Someone taps on the window, but they seem so far away. The song continues as the world seems to fall silent. Winding up through the ripped remains of the car out into the night sky. Sweetly, it is singing me to sleep, perchance to dream. Oh Kerry... kerry...
A squeal splits the darkness and I hear voices again. I try to open my eyes and find them heavy. So very heavy. Someone shakes me and a voice brushes against my mind. "Can you hear me?"
I try to move, try to take in air to speak. My eyes flutter against the bright light. "No, don't move. It's ok. We'll get you out soon. I just need to check you." I feel hands moving against my body, so far away. Everything feels numb as if a thick rubber suit covers my skin. Panic takes hold and I try again to speak, wanting to know... Wanting to know. It comes out a frantic squeak and the hands stop. "Did I hurt you?" I don't respond, everything's so fuzzy. Like some drug induced haze, only there is no pleasure in this buzz. The hands continue their inspection and then they pull away. I feel fingers press against my eyes and they peel away my lids. A light shines from one eye to the next. Am I dead? The light goes away and I see a man smiling at me, his eyes concerned. "You're ok. We'll get you out. You'll be ok." I know he is just calming me... but it works. My eyes slide closed. I relax back into the darkness.
The man's voice yells to someone. " We've got to get her out fast. We have to pull this seat off her with the jaws!" Then his voice lowers, I can barely hear him. "She's lost a lot of blood..... Call ahead to County... Possible internal injuries... head trauma... gash on her side.... Get me a blood type kit."
"You think she'll make it?" another higher voice cuts into my skull.
"I don't know. If we get her there fast enough."
The soft blackness covers me completely and I float in nothingness. Why isn't there any pain? I must be dead. Kerry.... kerry.... kerry.
Her smile softly covers her lips as she shyly turns away. Her red hair shining in the sun, I reach out to touch her and her eyes return. I could get lost in her eyes. Her eyes that turn my insides to mush. The soft warmth of her cheek against my fingertips. Three words march across my brain, too soon, too fast. How long can I keep from telling you? God grant me the wisdom, God grant me the strength.. I won't let this gift, this precious gift, slip away. Her eyes are filled with fire again. How does she do that? So much is said in those eyes. I never dreamed they would look at me this way. Asking, pleading... I dip my head and draw her chin closer. My mouth covering hers. Soft skin against soft skin. Wet fire blazing across my soul as we fall into each other. Our mouths and tongues twisting into the hot passion. Trails of ecstasy burning across my flesh. And I love her. I love her. Let me stay here. Let me stay here in this moment. Let me stay here forever....
"Oh my God, Dr. Legaspi!"
The pain shoots through me like white hot heat and I want to scream, but I can't. I feel the world moving fast underneath me and lights spin across my eyelids. I flicker them open and see Dr. Carter hovering above me, the ceiling rushes past beyond him. So many faces around me. Some I know, some I don't. Dr. Carter leans closer to me, seeing that I am awake. "Dr. Legaspi? Can you hear me?" I feel myself nod my head and his expression softens. "You'll be ok."
His face turns away as he speaks with another person. The lights begin to slow their progression above me and we pass through some doors, the shock of the impact jarring me painfully. We spin in a semi-circle and then stop. The faces gather around me and Dr. Carter directs "On my count of three... One, Two, Three" and they lift me onto the table. Then more lights, more faces. The buzz around me swims in my fuzzy haze. Dr. Carter reappears above my head, a light in his hand as he checks my pupils. I stare into his eyes, remembering all the times I had worked with him. Him and Kerry. She's fond of him. One of her only soft spots when it comes to work. Something had happened to this man that she had helped him through.. she hadn't told me, but the bond was easy to spot. He's a friend, a friend of Kerry's. Had she told him anything?. Does he know? Doubtful. Unless he has guessed on his own.
He catches my gaze and smiles. "It's ok. You've lost a great deal of blood, but they got you here in time." His eyes still look worried as he looks away. "Get Benton in here." He isn't telling me everything. I still might not make it. I struggle to open my mouth. I have to ask him. Then I see all the faces and stop. Kerry's world. This is just between us... I roll my gaze up to the ceiling. She's scared. I close my eyes. Great. This is what you get for falling in love with a straight women. You can't even call her to your side.
I feel myself being shaken. "Kim, you hear me?" I open my eyes, feebly. "You've got to try to stay awake, ok?" Carter smiles nervously. I nod.
"Do we know if she has any relatives or someone we should call?" Abby's voice pierces the air. That doesn't sound too good.
Carter turns to face me, his eyes clouding his thoughts. I marvel at this for a moment. What they hold in their hands everyday. What must this be like. Watching a life slip away as you madly try to stop it from going. Kerry does this. Kerry. "Kim?" I stare back blankly. "Kim, can you tell us if there is anyone...?" Embarrassed. He's heard the rumors. Wondering if there is a lover, waiting somewhere for my call that is never coming. There is. There is. "... a friend?" He prompts, perhaps picking up on my discomfort. Trying to mask the obvious. I open my mouth, but I can't. Not after tonight. I won't betray her again... even now.
Tears fill my eyes, blurring out his face. "Is it too hard to talk?" I close my mouth again. Defeated. Carter looks over to Abby. I can't see her, but I hear him tell her. "You know Dr. Weaver and her seem to be close. Perhaps she'll know if she has family or ... go call her... she will want to know herself." He pauses as she moves away, watching, then yells after her. "Break it to her gently Abby." Carter turns back to me. His eyes betray something. I wonder, if he has guessed. He continues working on me. I feel the cool blood flowing into the limbs that feel so very far away. Instruments prodding dead flesh. Will I ever feel her touch again? Will I ever ....? Tears fill my vision again and my body starts to tremble. Not a great thing when you are being operated on.
Carter's gloved hand gently covers my cheek and he leans down close to my face. I wonder why for a split second, but then he whispers so softly. "She'll be here soon, Kim." He knows. I inhale sharply and he raises his face a few inches, his eyes holding mine steady. Eyes etched with a secret held gently, two pools filled with concern and compassion. Good God, I think I love this man! The thought makes me smile, which is painful, but welcome. He smiles back and returns to working.
I relax, slowly feeling my body tingle all over as my flesh returns from its deep slumber. A sensation both wonderful and awful at the same time. Wonderful because you know it means life is returning to your body, and awful because it hurts so damn much. Everything hurts. Ice cold fingers grip me and I wish I could close my eyes and sink back into the darkness. It was so soft there. So warm. And Kerry. Kerry was there. The blackness envelops me so softly I hardly notice... the shouts above me too far away. "Kim! Dammit, she's going into shock! ... Shit!" A single tone blares through the darkness and I feel lighter.
Where's Kerry? I turn in the darkness, searching. A light in the distance draws me closer and I wander toward it. Ever closer to my Kerry. He said she'd be here soon. She must be in there.... waiting. Just a moment, Kerry, I'm coming....
............................................................ end of part one..................................................................
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